ASK MR. TEACHER

Dear Mr. Teacher,
I loved your poems! Do you have any more?
Robert

Dear Robert,
Yes, I do happen to have a couple more. Here they are:

My teacher is so stupid
That he doesn't even know
That the cap'tal of the U.S.A.
Is Boise, Idaho.

He thinks our country's biggest town's
A place called New York City.
When in fact I know that Fresno
Is much bigger and more pretty.

When my teacher names the continents
He doesn't say them all.
He stops at seven and forgets
France, Texas and St. Paul.

He tells us that Mount Everest
Is the tallest on the Earth,
But the Matterhorn at Disneyland's
Been taller since my birth.

He says there are four oceans;
He says it till I'm weary.
But he never mentions Tahoe,
Okeechobee or Lake Erie.

He thinks that the Sahara
Is desert number one.
He ought to see my own back yard.
It's drier than the sun.

He's wrong about the seasons;
He thinks summer follows spring.
I think my teacher should be fired;
He doesn't know a thing.

I snuck into the teachers' lounge when nobody was there.
You won't believe the things I saw. I couldn't help but stare.

I saw a bunch of tables where the poker games are played.
I saw the big machine that serves free Coke and lemonade.

I heard the music coming from the brand-new stereo.
They had a bunch of CDs from 'bout 50 years ago.

There was a giant-screen TV, and lots of films to see.
The TV showed a soap opera that wouldn't interest me.

There were five or six computers, hooked to the Internet.
And video games all in a row, with free tokens, I bet.

There's a very fancy restaurant with a chef who comes from France.
A casino with some slot machines, and a floor where they can dance.

There's a little bowling alley, a hot tub and a pool.
A water slide and miniature golf, a tennis court. How cool!

When I grow up, I'm going to be a teacher, you can bet.
I'll hang around the lounge all day, from sunrise to sunset.


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Dear Mr. Teacher,
I just attended a workshop on "Higher-Level Thinking Skills," but I didn't really understand what the speakers were talking about. Can you help me?
Low-Level Thinker

Dear Low-Level,
Our principal probably attended the same workshop, because she told us that we have to stress these higher-level thinking skills, too. Here's what I'm doing: I keep a ladder outside my room, and once a week I lean it against the building. Then, all of the students and I climb up onto the roof, and we do basic math facts for an hour up there.
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Dear Mr. Teacher,
I am a school custodian, and I have a question that's been bothering me for a long time. Why do students always call the teachers by their last names but call custodians by their first names? My name is Frank Johnson, I'm 55 years old, I've been working at the same school for 25 years, and the kids still call me "Frank." But, we have brand-new, 23-year-old teachers who get called "Miss Harding" and "Mr. Anderson." Can you explain this?
Frank

Dear Frank,
It's the same at my school, and at every school in the country. Most people think this is just a tradition, but actually it's the law. The "Janitor Amendment" to the Federal Education Act of 1935 mandated that students be suspended from school for calling "custodial employees" by their last names. The reason has been lost in history, but the law remains.

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Dear Mr. Teacher,
I recently attended a teachers' conference and heard two outstanding speakers.

The first speaker said that we need to have high expectations for all students. He said we must give low-achieving students the same rich curriculum that we give to our top students. When we do this, these low students will rise to our level of expectations. I was so inspired by this speaker that I wanted to start teaching algebra to my lowest fifth-grade math students.

The second speaker said that students learn best when they're succeeding. He said that, ideally, students should succeed 90 percent of the time. Then, their self-esteem will rise and they will have a good attitude toward learning. I was so inspired by this speaker that I wanted to revise my fifth-grade curriculum down to a second-grade level so that everybody could succeed.
Now, I'm back in my classroom and I don't know what to do. Can you help?
Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,
I'm sorry, but I can't help you on this one. The parents of the best students in my school always request me, so I only get the best students. I've heard my fellow teachers mention that they have students who are below grade level, but I've never, personally, had to work with any.

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Dear Mr. Teacher,
Most of the teachers at my school have their own Web sites, with all kinds of great stuff for parents and students on them: homework assignments (updated daily), classroom and school news, students' writing and art work, photographs of the students, and so on. But I barely know how to turn on a computer. These same teachers are always showing me their beautiful bulletin boards, while I'm lucky to have the current month's lunch menu on my bulletin board. I feel like a failure. What can I do?
Depressed

Dear Depressed,
All teachers have their strengths and weaknesses. Don't dwell on your shortcomings; find something at which you can excel. For example, you could become the only teacher at your school who knows the difference between "guided reading" and "shared reading." Your fellow teachers will appreciate it, and you'll enjoy the recognition.

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New questions and answers will be posted every four weeks.

This page was last updated July 15, 2000. Next update: Aug. 12.

Copyright © 2000 John Patrick Dodds